What are we again? Never mind, HELP!
by MissTaken
Summary: Ichigo is being stalked by a lunatic fangirl, he can't call his crush a friend, HELP! RenIchi. Yaoi, so you no like, you no read.


OMG, thanks for the reviews

OMG, thanks for the reviews!! They really keep me going and now I want to continue writing. Well, since I wrote a sweet romance, I'll try a comedy!! Yaoi haters, you know the drill, haul ass!! For everyone else, enjoy and I hope this is at least as good as the last one!

I OWN NOTHING!! Thanks, Tite Kubo, for making Bleach.

Since the events after Rukia's execution, Ichigo Kurosaki had become a celebrity of sorts in Soul Society. He did find time to develop a friendly rivalry with his crush, Renji. While he liked Renji a lot, he never really called him a friend. He just didn't trust him like that and he prided himself on not really depending upon or needing people. This would piss Renji off to no end, but he usually left it alone after arguing for at least 20 minutes. Being the simple guy he was, Ichigo was content with just checking in on Rukia and his other friends in Soul Society and then visiting Renji every once in a while and checking him out discreetly. Unfortunately, fate had other ideas for our deathberry.

You see, the one factor that Ichigo forgot to think about was that he was a fairly handsome young man, leading to many female admirers. None of his fangirls considered that all he wanted was peace and quiet or the fact that he was gay, and constantly bothered him with confessions of love and indecent proposals. While this was annoying, it never bothered him beyond the point of mild irritation. It was kind of like a small zit that was irksome because it existed, but otherwise not that big of a deal.

That was until one fangirl decided that she would have Ichigo's virginity no matter what. And she wasn't any regular fangirl, oh no, she was a special breed of stalker.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Lola Nagahara.

Lola Nagahara, unseated officer in Squad 4, who can mask her reiatsu to the point of almost non-existence when stalking her prey, is responsible for almost every naked photo of a handsome male shingami in existence. She is so ferocious in her pursuit that only seated officers 5 and up are allowed to ATTEMPT to apprehend her when she is hunting. Being a target of Lola is a true application of the "Survival of the Fittest" theory. The smart shinigami simply take a mission in Real World or Hueco Mundo until she forgets about them or permanently. (Yeah, it's that bad. How do you think Ashido ended up there?) Whatever poor soul that is being haunted by her that was not fortunate or intelligent enough to get away has always been captured and molested. Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. (Whoever gets this, I will love you.)

And little man, little Lola wants you. (Seriously, if you get this, you freaking rock.)

Ichigo, run like hell, NOW.

For the past 4 weeks, Lola has mercilessly stalked Ichigo. Since Ichigo was being questioned on the events of his invasion of Soul Society, he couldn't leave. But he actually kept his virtue intact with giving her personal items such as towels he used and toothbrushes to appease her. While it made a lovely addition to Lola's shrine and kept her at bay for a week (a record), it was not enough to satisfy her. She was determined to pop the strawberry's cherry. (Popping a strawberry's cherry? Man, I'm horrible. XD) One day, she decided it was time to make Ichigo a man. She began chasing Ichigo and he soon realized that debate only worked with civilized human beings and decided to simply shunpo away.

Our ill-fated Ichigo then learned that Lola can shunpo just as fast as he can using her super stalker powers. She soon had chased him into an alleyway near the edge of the Seretei. No one was around to hear him scream. And since Ichigo could never bring himself to cause physical harm to a lady without guilt (He did Isane's paperwork for the time he was there as penance and begged for forgiveness after the incident at the execution.), he was at the end of his rope.

Yes, our dear Ichigo was screwed. Figuratively and soon to be physically.

But then at the moment of doom for Ichigo, his associate/man of his dreams Renji walked by the alley. Seeing salvation, he dodged a pouncing Lola and ran to meet him. At this moment Ichigo formulated a plan to save his chastity from the psycho and get close to his dream guy.

He'd kiss Renji in front of the psycho so that Lola would leave him alone. Surely she wouldn't violate a taken man? It was a risky bet, but he had no other options. Him having a "boyfriend" would drive the beast away. Yay!! Perfect plan Ichigo!! Except for some minor details that may complicate things.

Ichigo was sure that Renji was straight as an arrow.

He would never play along with this.

Hell, he may want to kick Ichigo's ass, so that would be two people chasing him.

He may still get raped.

So our protagonist can jump on Renji and pray that Renji remains in shock long enough for Lola to believe them and leave. But there is a chance that Renji will try to kill him and may even let the she-demon have him. Or he could continue the futile running until he gets tired and ultimately be violated.

What great choices, in the end everyone wins. (This is sarcasm.)

In the end, Ichigo chose to roll the dice with Renji. Renji might stay speechless long enough for the harpy to leave and Ichigo would keep his innocence. He can deal with Renji's anger, hell, he kicked Renji's ass before. The point is he'd get away with some cuts and broken bones with Renji. With Lola he wouldn't get away. Ichigo sighed and leapt next to Renji.

"Hey Ichi, what's…mmph!!"

Ichigo pressed his lips against Renji's as soon as Lola came into sight. The kiss lasted only 1 second but it felt like forever to Ichigo. As much as he liked it, he soon came back to reality when Lola began to speak.

"Do you think I'm retarded, Ichi-chan?" she growled. "No one kisses their boyfriend that lightly. Hell, I've seen people kiss their grandmas with more passion. Now get your hot ass over here. It's raping time!!" she purred with a perverted grin.

Ichigo began to see his life flash before his eyes. Not only what he lived so far, he also saw Lola molesting him with her whips and chains. Furthermore, he saw himself limping outside as a pissed off Renji in full bankai mode began to attack, leading to his demise, as he was too tired from Lola's kinky ideas to run or defend himself. Just as he was considering commiting suicide, he was pulled up by Renji.

Ichigo braced himself for the inevitable punch. It never came.

Renji crushed his lips against Ichigo's. Ichigo gasped, providing a moment for Renji to slip his tongue into Ichigo's warm mouth. He massaged and sucked on the muscle, surprising Ichigo, but not nearly as groping and caressing his ass. Ichigo responded, moving his tongue against the intruding muscle. He laced his hands through Renji's crimson locks, breaking the tie that held it in place. For a moment, they forgot Lola existed. When they broke apart for air, they saw Lola staring at them with a surprised look.

Then she fainted.

Ichigo was stunned. He was still alive. And a virgin.

He looked to his savior and immediately began leaping for joy inside because Renji hadn't spazzed out on him. Ichigo began to wonder if his feelings were returned. Maybe him and Renji could become more than rivals. He inquired "Renji, why'd you kiss me back there?" Renji grinned and said "'Cause we're buddies. Friends help each other when they're in danger."

Ichigo's heart dropped at that moment.

Of course Renji wouldn't like him that way. He's gaga over Rukia. Why bother? He couldn't let Renji see him sweat, so he replied "Thanks for having my back." He then looked away. Renji, puzzled by Ichigo's odd behavior asked what was wrong. Ichigo refused to answer, for how could he tell the truth? Should he blurt his love for the redhead and be either laughed out of the Seretei or beaten up? Renji then did something Ichigo didn't expect.

He got pissed.

Really, really pissed.

Renji asked in a low voice "Are you still on that dumb shit about not considering me a friend?" Ichigo hid his face in shame. "What the fuck do I have to do?! I know you're not mad about the execution 'cause I apologized 1000 times! Damn, after all the shit we've been through together you still don't trust me?! I'm seriously bailed you out from Lola at personal risk to myself and I still get this shit from you." Renji then jumped on Ichigo and pinned him the ground. "Do you think I do all this kind shit out of the goodness of my heart? Are ya kidding me? I do it because I consider you a friend!! I do it because I owe you for saving Rukia?!" He then took a breath for the big finale.

"I DO IT ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!"

Ichigo was left astonished.

"You love me?" Ichigo quietly asked. Renji blushed.

"Well, yeah."

"I only have one word to say about that."

Renji became nervous. "What is it?

Ichigo smirked.

"Awesome"

Renji leaned in for another kiss, but noticed that Lola was gone. Ichigo smiled. "I guess it was too much for her." Renji said "So what does this make us?" Ichigo thought about it. "Well, I still can't say we're friends. Sorry." Just as Renji started to begin his tirade, Ichigo quickly countered "I mean the word **boyfriend **had the word** friend** in it. So I guess you can't bitch anymore." Renji growled "You little shit!" and they began play fighting with the occasional grope and kiss here and there. Everything was looking just fine for the two.

But behind the building, a shadowed figure grinned as it took photos of the two lovebirds. "So y'all thought I couldn't handle some yaoi? Y'all thougt it was over? Silly men, you seem to have forgotten who the head of the Shinigami Yaoi Club is." And with that, Lola left to formulate a new plan to rape, um, interview her new favorite couple.

Heaven help us all.

The End?


End file.
